Today I haven’t cried…at all. Not once. That is huge.
A couple days ago, I washed, dried and curled my hair, did my make-up, and wore actual jeans rather than leggings with holes in them. That’s big for me because I feel better when I put myself together. So if I look like a disheveled wreck for more than 24 hours, you know it’s a reflection of how I feel inside.
I’m still feeling the effects of my D&C, but I’m finally feeling well enough to where I think working out would be fine. That’s something I do for sanity, so a gym sesh would be a good thing. I tried once three days post D&C, but I struck a low grade fever later that day and was having some pain. It freaked me out, so I’ve really tried to physically take it easy this past week.
I’ve been overwhelmed with support from people I know well, people I don’t know that well, people I knew from high school/college, my wonderful followers, fellow bloggers, including some bloggers who are openly anti-abortion. The support from each and every one of you people have made THE BIGGEST difference on how I’m doing.
I’m honestly doing ok. And it’s all because of you guys, my faith in God that He has a plan for my life, and my marriage to Ryan, which actually seems to have gotten stronger going through this tragedy together.
I’m still sad, and I know that feeling will never go away. But I’m functioning. I’m pouring myself drinks, putting on some lipstick, and pulling myself together, as Elizabeth Taylor so eloquently advised. One foot in front of the other right? What else can I do? I’m being there for Porter and Preston. I’m holding out hope that one day we will conceive a third *healthy* baby (although we are ON-A-BRREEAAK from that). *Ross voice*
I’m reading and focusing on all the supportive words I’ve received from so many women. I’m processing that some people probably think they would have chosen differently than we did, but just haven’t said it and that’s OK. I’ve made peace with my decision and I know that some people say one thing, until it happens to them. My doctor has seen it multiple times. If I’m being honest, I may have been one of those people. I’m not really sure though, since I never knew of anyone who had gone through this specific thing, until it happened to me. I never really thought about this type of scenario before. Now I know it’s more common than anyone thinks.
Until you know first hand what it feels like to be carrying a fetus that isn’t likely to survive, and if it miraculously does, will die at birth or be forced into multiple surgeries and have a painful shitty, short life — until you are pregnant with that, I would ask that you to dig deep in your soul and try to really internalize that scenario and stew on it before making any sort of judgement towards anyone you know who’s in a situation that has likeness to mine. You have the advantage of ignorance – of not knowing what that feels like. You have the privilege of a hypothetical *trying* to imagine what you would do in that circumstance.
I don’t know when the heartache will end and if I’m being 100 percent honest, I don’t want it to. I never want to forget him. I want to carry him around in my heart forever. But what I don’t want to do is have grief and what-ifs consume and ruin my life. I’m going to do what I always do in the face of life’s adversities: I’m going to focus on the positive. I’m going to pray. I’m going to love on my people. I’m going to wear lipstick and I’m going to drink good wine.